For the Manor Born

For the manor born

Assumptions are made

No decisions required

No areas grayed.

All polish and lacquer

With formidable fuss

Bloodlines and court times

Are only discussed.

For the manor born

Adventure bears risk

Disgraceful if caught

Not easily dismissed.

From the master plan

One shan’t deviate

For there is no forgiveness

There is no escape.

For the manor born

One makes no mistake

One’s name and position

One shall not forsake.

Despite the illusion

That one’s life is one’s own,

The freedom to choose differently

Shall never be known.

Hidden Treasures

Recently I was shopping for groceries when an elderly gentleman stopped me in the cereal aisle. "Who are you hiding from?" he inquired from behind his pale blue face mask. I wanted to reply "I could ask you the same thing," but I refrained understanding that he was likely protecting himself from getting sick.

Still, I didn't know if he was flirting with me or mistaking me for someone he knew when suddenly I looked down and realized I was wearing a camouflage-printed maxi dress. We both had a good chuckle and went our separate ways.

Not my art. This is AI generated. It's cute though.

The next day, I stepped outside to see a friend approach from across the street. She greeted me with "who are you hiding from?" I tilted my head at her quizzically and she said that I looked to be incognito wearing sunglasses and a visor.

Honestly I was just shielding my eyes from the sun, but being the deep thinker that I am, the one who sees meaning behind the meaning, I couldn't help but wonder if indeed I was hiding in plain sight.

While I do love my camo-printed maxi dress for its chic aesthetic, I really like that this dress covers most of the weight I've gained this year. (As an aside, if you haven't read my recent post, Body Talks, you can read it here.) Twenty years ago, I probably would have worn a more flattering dress, something that showed off my curves...or would I? Come to think of it, I've always been ashamed of my body. I particularly like the camo dress because it strategically hides the sins I haven't yet forgiven.

I also love my prescription sunglasses. They allow me to take a walk or a drive while protecting my eyes from the UV rays of the sun. Sporting my shades, I can be not wearing a stitch of makeup and still feel attractive. Everyone looks great in sunglasses. Mysterious, stylish, but also, unapproachable. If I don't want to make eye contact with anyone, sunglasses are my go-to fashion accessory. While I may tell you that I'm preventing my low-grade cataracts from advancing, that's not the whole truth.

At this time in my life, what am I so afraid of? Who or what am I hiding from? Why don't I want you to see the real me?

In my lifelong quest to live an authentic life, these questions have recently stepped out of hiding like a couple of buffed up bouncers who won't let me in the door until I utter the secret phrase. Or in this case, truthfully answer those three questions. Truthfully.

I can't help but liken this moment to the current eclipse season. On September 17th, we experienced a partial lunar eclipse when the light of the Full Moon in Pisces was partly eclipsed by the Virgo Sun. You knew the moon was there, but part of it appeared to be hiding. Similarly, I know the truth is there, but maybe I'm hiding from it.

Today we will experience a New Moon and Annular Solar eclipse where the New Moon in Libra will cast a shadow on the Earth temporarily blocking the Libra Sun. This eclipse will not be visible to the US, but in South America and other parts of the world, one will see the annular eclipse or "ring of fire." (Cue Johnny Cash!)

Fun fact: Because the Moon is so far away from the Earth, it cannot fully cover the light of the Sun so what you see is the ring of fire.

In astrology, eclipses often mark an ending, a wrapping up of something, closure. Also in this case, because we have a New Moon, we can also plant a seed. Begin anew. When one door closes, you can open another. This eclipse is asking what have you outgrown? What are you releasing? What are you starting now?

During an eclipse, the light is obscured. Some things are hidden. Shadows are revealed.

I've been focusing on my creativity lately. Perhaps, like an eclipse, I have been hesitant to shine my light. What will people think if I step out of the shadows? What if no one likes my writing? What if people think my art is lame? And also...what if they don't? Success and failure are two sides of the same coin. With both come responsibility. Maybe I don't want the responsibility that comes with putting myself out there. If I stay small or invisible, I can't get hurt is something we may not say out loud, but we may feel this.

You may ask why can't I write or make art just for the fun of it. Believe me, I've wondered the same thing for my entire life. Another question to ponder, another mystery to solve.

As usual, I look to astrology for some answers or at least some explanations as to why I think the way I think and do the things I do. My natal chart finds my artistic Libra Sun buried deep in the 8th house. My teacher, Heidi Rose Robbins, has said that an intercepted Sun has the task of trying to shine a little brighter. That means, I have to work harder to shine my light, make myself seen.

My hidden Libra Sun is furthermore squared by Saturn in Capricorn in the 12th house. Saturn is the rule maker, the teacher, the boundary setter. When Saturn cautions, "Don't shine too bright," my Libra Sun obeys.

In an astrology chart, the 4th house, 8th house and 12th house are considered more private domains...where life happens out of sight. The 4th House represents your home and family. The 8th house has been likened to the dungeon in the castle and the 12th house to an asylum. Lest I scurry down this rabbit hole, I will also say the 8th house is the bedroom and the 12th, a darkroom or studio where I do tend to hide away to be creative sometimes.

Ultimately, the challenge for me will always be to reveal a little more of my creative self through writing or art. Regardless of skill, writing more regularly in this blog and practicing and sharing my art are ways I can begin to allow more light to shine through. After all, what good does it do to keep our treasures hidden away? It's high time we use the fine china, wear the good jewelry, share our joy with others. I believe this world will look brighter for doing so.

I'm dreaming of bulletproof suitcases!

Do you pay attention to your dreams? I'm not talking about the ones of winning the lottery or becoming a published author, but your nightly dreams while you sleep.

I used to keep a dream journal for a long time and it was especially useful when I was seeing a psychotherapist. By interpreting my dreams, I was able to help myself understand their underlying meanings which I believe were integral to my healing.

Last year I began recording my dreams again in a small journal. Most nights, I remember nothing, but when I do, even if it's a snippet of a dream, I write it down. Sometimes I make a connection to what it could mean...most of the time, it's pure nonsense.

Recently I dreamed I was waiting with a group of people with my suitcase packed. I think we were leaving one hotel and getting ready to go to another one. I was so glad I packed the bulletproof suitcase! Throughout the dream I kept smelling paint thinner. Someone told me that the artist Carole Silverstein was looking for me. I walked down the hall of the hotel which really looked like a dormitory or a lodge when I noticed the paint thinner smell was especially strong near one door. Outside the door, two long cardigan sweaters hung on hooks and I thought...oh, one must be mine and the other, Carole's. Since she's an artist and teacher, the paint thinner smell must be coming from her room. Then I woke up.

A day or two after the dream, Carole sent me an email asking if I was interested in taking another art class like a did in April. Coincidence? No, I don't believe in random coincidences. The way I see it, The Universe was giving me a nudge to create art again and that a teacher was available to help me do that.

Back in July onboard our cruise along the Seine, I received a similar sign. On the morning we were to tour Monet's house and gardens in Giverny, I saw something peeking out from underneath the nightstand in our cabin. It was a student grade colored pencil! I brought no art supplies on this trip, mind you. I didn't even bring my daily journal because I knew I wouldn't have time to write. But as soon as I saw this pencil, I knew it was a sign for me to keep pursuing my creative expression.

I had been looking forward to working with Carole again for a quite awhile, but I was anxious. Like anything that uses my creativity, I seem to deliberately suppress my desire to do so. Those old tapes of "I'm not good enough" and "art doesn't pay the bills" kept running in my head. And until recently, other than a couple of blog posts, I hadn't written very much or made any art since that last class in April. Of course we were busy moving this summer, but even so, I still made time to write in my journal most days. Ultimately, I scheduled a second class.

Yesterday, Carole and I met again on Zoom. If you want to read about my first class, you can read it here. This time we worked with Bird as Messenger as our theme. We started the session with a relaxing meditation then she led me through a few short writing prompts helping me to name the bird I identify with most.

A few years ago when my hair was short and spiky, I looked in the mirror one day and announced that I looked like a peacock with its crown of tendrils shooting up from the top of its small head! I've always been attracted to peacocks, mostly for their beautiful feathers. I still drink my tea from a pretty peacock mug. I did my college internship at the NBC (Peacock) affiliate in Pittsburgh. And until he passed a couple of years ago, a gorgeous peacock lived in my neighborhood. One day he detained me from getting to yoga on time because he preferred to parade down the middle of the street at his own pace. Perhaps I don't identify with peacocks, but maybe I aspire to carry myself as a peacock, strutting my stuff at my own pace.

Next, Carole had me write what message the peacock had for me. I wrote this.

Dear Beauty, you are intrinsically beautiful. Not just physically, but the way you carry yourself. You are royal. You command respect just from your very existence. You are worthy of being here.

Whoa!

For the last writing exercise, Carole asked what bird energy or characteristic could I use more of? I wrote that I need to remember that like a bird, I can soar above any pettiness or unrest. I don't have to get my tail feathers in a bunch over anything. I can get a better perspective anytime I want. And I could definitely stand to eat more like a bird. LOL

Then after a short warm-up of filling a blank page with colorful scribbles, I began Project Peacock. Music played throughout our session and at the end, we shared our creations with each other. Just like last time, whenever I would get stuck or bored with what I was doing, Carole suggested changing something...use a new color, find a new place on the page to work, just keep making marks.

As I've mentioned in a recent post, I've been wanting to share more of my creative self whether it be through art or writing, so I am bravely choosing to show you the finished piece. I have proudly taped it to the wall above my art table. Perhaps the Peacock is my spirit animal reminding me that I am worthy of being here.

And also, that creative expression is not only my birthright, but it belongs to everyone. Maybe art is not your jam, but you like to cook or you're good at solving problems. It's all creativity. And it's important to keep creating, to make something...if not for yourself, then for others. We are all creative beings, created from The Creator itself.

As for the bulletproof suitcase, I believe we do need to protect our dreams and sacred wishes. And only if and when it feels safe to do so, can we begin to unpack and start sharing our creations with others. You will know when the time is right. Trust yourself.