Destination Unknown

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been going through something this year, a transformation of some sort. I'm so deeply enmeshed in this change that I haven't been able to step outside of it to identify it, name it. Fighting to see what is happening to me, within me, is futile. I hold on then let go, grasp onto something, anything, but it's pointless. If I have come to realize anything at this stage, it's that I am not in control.

This world wants us to believe that we are in total control of our destiny. Grab the bull by the horns, they insist. You can do anything! And maybe that's true for awhile. You set a goal, you take action to achieve said goal and ultimately, you reach the goal. Now what?

Forgive me for getting deep and philosophical here, but for lack of a better explanation at this point, I believe I'm in the "now what?" stage. After achieving a lifelong goal of publishing a book, I feel a bit lost at sea with no rescue boat in sight. I try to go with the flow of life's current, but if you're a self-admitted control freak like me, you want to know where you're headed so that you can chart your course, steer the ship.

But I'm finding that somehow I've become a stowaway aboard a private yacht. I don't believe I've seen our captain nor do I know where we're going, but I have to trust that wherever we're headed it's to a safe harbor. Most of the time, my trust turns to rust and I feel out of control. Destination unknown.

I'm not the best passenger.

I grab hold of the rail then release my grip. Clench hard, let go. Ebb and flow.

Meanwhile, we sail on...

And suddenly, it's Summer...

Can you even believe that it's Summer already?! Truth be told, I was never much of a summertime person...Autumn agrees with me more...but in spite of the allergies, humidity and mosquitoes, I do welcome the change of season. Change has always been my middle name and this year, I feel myself going through some kind of metamorphosis although it seems hard to put those feelings into words.

I look in the mirror and see a few changes, most of which I'm not happy about. Gray hair, wrinkles, sagging skin as well as a few unmentionables. LOL Few women I know have wholly embraced the aging process with ease yet our new world also coaches you to be your best self no matter the cost. Talk about mixed messages. Believe me, I want to keep on aging...what's the alternative, right? But I'd sure like to do it a bit more gracefully and healthfully.

In addition to the physical changes, I'm noticing that my inner world has become a bit fickle (?) as well. Activities that used to bring satisfaction just don't seem to fit anymore. For the last several months, I've become lost in the wilderness of myself.

First, I started questioning whether or not I should keep writing. So disillusioned, I abandoned a project I started a year and a half ago. I may pick it up again, but for now, it's just not the time for it. Second, I found myself wasting too much time on social media and my mental health began to suffer. I deleted my profiles over a month ago and I haven't felt the pull to go back even once.

For all of my adult life, I have struggled chronically with life purpose. Who am I? Why am I here? When I think back to my childhood, I wanted to be (in no particular order) an actress (Marlo Thomas' That Girl was my idol at the time); singer (I'd sing along with my Petula Clark 45s); artist (I was always drawing, painting, crafting); fashion designer (I made clothes for my Barbies even before I officially learned how to sew); airline stewardess (I know, it's flight attendant now, but this was the late 60s and the job was much more glamorous then); and writer (I loved to read and I wrote stories, poems and song lyrics.)

After a lifetime of wearing many different job descriptions, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. As I near retirement age, I can't say, as I imagine some people can, that I've worked XX number of years in any one industry knowing that I made significant contributions to said industry ending my career at the top of my game. I am grateful for the many different opportunities that came my way, yet in many ways, it feels like I missed some important life lessons.

But if we are always exactly where we need to be...and I believe that we are...I've missed nothing. I'm right on time. As I've got God on speed dial 24/7, I've been praying about all of the above in my journal every morning. Some days I get a little revelation, but most of the time, I continue to write out the messiness in my brain until I feel a little clarity begin to emerge.

I guess the journal writing has been most helpful lately. When you believe that no one will understand what you're going through, getting it all out on the page gives you the much needed breathing room and ultimately, a better perspective on things. At least that's what I have found.

So as I travel through this change of life, I pray that my family and friends will have patience and understanding with me. I continue to learn about myself through a variety of vehicles including Astrology, Numerology, Tarot and other oracles, Human Design and most recently, the Enneagram.

If you know nothing about the Enneagram and are interested in learning your personality type, (similar to Myers-Briggs, but I find it even more accurate and revelatory) I encourage you to read "Wisdom of the Enneagram" by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson as well as "The Road Back to You" by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. The first book has quizzes to help you determine your type, but both books give complete explanations for each of the 9 types.

I am a #4, by the way. As I was learning about my type, I felt like I was being seen, heard and understood for the first time in my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm a #4...I am dramatic. 4s are also known as The Individualist, The Romantic and The Artist. Being able to name some of the feelings describing my type is helping me to understand myself better thereby allowing me to have more self-compassion instead of self-deprecation.

As Summer officially begins today, I'm happy to say that I have no real agenda. I hope to continue to connect with friends and family in person, maybe take a class and learn something new, and just relax and enjoy the season. I'll take a sidewalk bistro, good book and a cool drink anytime. Cheers to a relaxing, sun-filled summer season!

If you want to stay in touch, please feel free to send me an old-fashioned email at diane@dianedicola.com

Healing with Haiku

If you've read my book, Written in the Stars: Poems and Pictures or if you know me personally, you already know that I often turn to astrology, numerology and tarot to help me with self-understanding. I'm also adding Human Design to my esoteric toolbox, but that will be a post for another day.

At this writing, the Sun is in Taurus and the Moon is in Capricorn, both Earth signs which can help us to feel grounded when life circumstances may dictate quite the opposite. The recent lunar eclipse in the sign of Scorpio left me feeling a bit untethered emotionally. So much so that I realized it was time to free myself of a writing project that I started 18 months ago, but no longer excites me. I knew deep down (thanks to a natal 9th house stellium in Scorpio sitting next to the eclipse) it was time to let it go, but I kept trying to force it into something it just didn't want to become. So I put down my pen and closed my notebook on that project for now. It has taken me 5 days to come back to Earth (so to speak) and operate on a more even keel.

The Venus-ruled sign of Taurus invites us to notice the beauty all around us. Taurus governs that which we value including love and money; it rules the throat chakra enabling us to praise, sing, lend our voice to what needs to be expressed. A very sensual sign, Taurus has good taste and appreciates the finer things in life. Yet it is a fixed sign...unwavering, steady...and yes, stubborn. One can depend on the steady rhythm of strong Taurean energy, finding comfort in the familiar.

That being said, I've always enjoyed writing haiku, the Japanese-born 3-stanza poems featuring 5 syllables in the first line, 7 syllables in the second line and 5 syllables once again in the last line of the poem. 5-7-5. My 12th house Saturn in Capricorn loves to work with this structure. And now with the Sun in Taurus, I'm in sync with the rhythm of haiku. It's comfortable, familiar. Perhaps it's my offbeat way (Aquarius Rising) that I self-soothe.

I will share a few recent poems.

Waiting to be born

The gestation period

May be very long

Ever the late bloomer, I wrote the above haiku realizing that at age 61, perhaps I have not yet begun to produce my best work. Thinking about Grandma Moses and others who didn't even begin to offer their creations to the world until later in life, perhaps the best is yet to come.

I recently was gifted The Wild Unknown Animal Spirit oracle card deck by Kim Krans and it's one of my favorite decks to work with especially when I need to hear my intuition come through. This morning, asking about the need for some things to change in my life, I received these two cards, Nightingale (fearless voice) and Phoenix (transformation of our past), pictured next to the resulting haiku I wrote.

When nightingales sing

Let their music transform you

With Phoenix-fueled flames

Sometimes I use the Rider-Waite tarot deck and do a reading for myself by asking a question (usually just wanting some guidance for the day) and selecting one card. Here's a haiku I wrote for the VI of Swords.

It's time to let go

Of what no longer serves me

I sail towards the light

I find it healing to use these haiku as affirmations to peek at throughout the day, for use as a mantra in meditation or as a quick pick-me-up.

5-7-5.