Can you even believe that it's Summer already?! Truth be told, I was never much of a summertime person...Autumn agrees with me more...but in spite of the allergies, humidity and mosquitoes, I do welcome the change of season. Change has always been my middle name and this year, I feel myself going through some kind of metamorphosis although it seems hard to put those feelings into words.
I look in the mirror and see a few changes, most of which I'm not happy about. Gray hair, wrinkles, sagging skin as well as a few unmentionables. LOL Few women I know have wholly embraced the aging process with ease yet our new world also coaches you to be your best self no matter the cost. Talk about mixed messages. Believe me, I want to keep on aging...what's the alternative, right? But I'd sure like to do it a bit more gracefully and healthfully.
In addition to the physical changes, I'm noticing that my inner world has become a bit fickle (?) as well. Activities that used to bring satisfaction just don't seem to fit anymore. For the last several months, I've become lost in the wilderness of myself.
First, I started questioning whether or not I should keep writing. So disillusioned, I abandoned a project I started a year and a half ago. I may pick it up again, but for now, it's just not the time for it. Second, I found myself wasting too much time on social media and my mental health began to suffer. I deleted my profiles over a month ago and I haven't felt the pull to go back even once.
For all of my adult life, I have struggled chronically with life purpose. Who am I? Why am I here? When I think back to my childhood, I wanted to be (in no particular order) an actress (Marlo Thomas' That Girl was my idol at the time); singer (I'd sing along with my Petula Clark 45s); artist (I was always drawing, painting, crafting); fashion designer (I made clothes for my Barbies even before I officially learned how to sew); airline stewardess (I know, it's flight attendant now, but this was the late 60s and the job was much more glamorous then); and writer (I loved to read and I wrote stories, poems and song lyrics.)
After a lifetime of wearing many different job descriptions, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. As I near retirement age, I can't say, as I imagine some people can, that I've worked XX number of years in any one industry knowing that I made significant contributions to said industry ending my career at the top of my game. I am grateful for the many different opportunities that came my way, yet in many ways, it feels like I missed some important life lessons.
But if we are always exactly where we need to be...and I believe that we are...I've missed nothing. I'm right on time. As I've got God on speed dial 24/7, I've been praying about all of the above in my journal every morning. Some days I get a little revelation, but most of the time, I continue to write out the messiness in my brain until I feel a little clarity begin to emerge.
I guess the journal writing has been most helpful lately. When you believe that no one will understand what you're going through, getting it all out on the page gives you the much needed breathing room and ultimately, a better perspective on things. At least that's what I have found.
So as I travel through this change of life, I pray that my family and friends will have patience and understanding with me. I continue to learn about myself through a variety of vehicles including Astrology, Numerology, Tarot and other oracles, Human Design and most recently, the Enneagram.
If you know nothing about the Enneagram and are interested in learning your personality type, (similar to Myers-Briggs, but I find it even more accurate and revelatory) I encourage you to read "Wisdom of the Enneagram" by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson as well as "The Road Back to You" by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. The first book has quizzes to help you determine your type, but both books give complete explanations for each of the 9 types.
I am a #4, by the way. As I was learning about my type, I felt like I was being seen, heard and understood for the first time in my life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I'm a #4...I am dramatic. 4s are also known as The Individualist, The Romantic and The Artist. Being able to name some of the feelings describing my type is helping me to understand myself better thereby allowing me to have more self-compassion instead of self-deprecation.
As Summer officially begins today, I'm happy to say that I have no real agenda. I hope to continue to connect with friends and family in person, maybe take a class and learn something new, and just relax and enjoy the season. I'll take a sidewalk bistro, good book and a cool drink anytime. Cheers to a relaxing, sun-filled summer season!
If you want to stay in touch, please feel free to send me an old-fashioned email at diane@dianedicola.com
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